PAVA

A story traverses a long and arduous road

To get to you, to weave a colorful abode

In your mind, that makes you laugh, think

Pushes you to an emotional brink

I have a story to tell, it’s a part of me

Of growing up, of hurt, and glee

I hope it moves you, makes you love

The modesties of life we’re devoid of

My story is promenading your way

Would you lend your ear, would you stay?

You will soon realize it is not my tale

But yours, I am just a narrator in veil.

So join hands with me in this attempt

To experience a story – pray gaffes be exempt.

Lives change with a single story – its true

It changed mine; I hope it changes yours too!

Photo Blog Series 12

A fence separates two lives

One this way and the other that way

What do you see?

An ocean of possibility, or an end of human stay!

Photo Blog Series 11

Caspar Netscher - Young Girl Holding a Letter

परदा लगे रहे अहसासों पे

हटे तो हटे कमल से जब सूरज आये पार

मुरझा भी जाए बिन सूरज के

लेकिन परदा हटे, तो सिर्फ दोहराने अपने प्यार

इतना प्यार है दिल मे

पर शब्दों का है प्यासा

मजबूर है निशब्द रेहने को

वो क्या जाने हम है प्यासे शब्दों के

इकरार मंज़ूर करने को

कविता अब नहीं जचेगी

चाँद छिप चुका बादल मे

कहाँ खोजें हम प्रेरणा को

जो लेके चले गये तुम हमसे!

Photo Blog Series 10

Unfulfilled

Love walks away

To become someone else’s

Solitude so grave

No hope, not even traces.

Love comes around

When life loses the game

Making the self bound

To jokes & miseries just the same.

Giving up on you, on hope

Love, don’t bind me to you

This fall seems tough to cope

A fatal abyss, survivors too few.

Photo Blog Series 9

All due credits to John_William_Waterhouse_The_Lady_of_Shalott

Vita Brevis!

Illusions, surreal as they come;

Embraced a newfangled tangent;

When he strode in like a lightning,

And eluded like a star so distant.

The time with him around,

Have become fragments of me.

Manifesting into little chunks,

And etched in doting memory.

Prayers fail me even as I vainly try

To seize that moment of bliss

While I watch him in rapture

Let myself want to passionately kiss

I have a confession to make, I am

Guilty of an unblemished sensation!

Of adoration, desire and superlative love

A feeling so poignant I felt with none

I want to clinch it and make it my own

But I must be a fool to cage the breeze

So I will seek solace in my musing

By writing ballads like these!

For Magnifico, Felicidades!

Photo Blog Series 8

Moments - they own us.

It’s the year of gloom and the day’s morbid

Never morning enough, clouds – they forbid

The mood is on the brink – of an imprecise dawn

Chugging on like a mundane mover in lawn

Sanity is in the black – grief is at peak.

All is fine with the world – not but with me.

Photo Blog Series 7

Distorted Nihilism

I want to sleep..
I want to sleep and dream a dream
of falling asleep and dreaming.

I want to laugh..
I want to laugh at myself, my laughter
and laugh at the thought.

I want to live
I want to live a life and be immortal
and die to prove me wrong.

Photo Blog Series 6

नशे मे है एक मीठा बहाना

जो ला दे दिल की बात को पार

रहे ज़ुबान पे प्यार का इकरार

जिसे ठोके ये ज़माना

तू है काल्पनिक, तू है प्यार

तेरी कल्पना पे ना है गुरूर

बस एक बार बता दूं दिल की बात

की जीने का मक्सद हो भरपूर

साज़िश किया है ज़िंदगी ने

सिखाकर प्यार का आधार

पछता तो हम रहें है

कातिल ज़िंदगी ज़िम्मेदार

Photo Blog Series 5

That thing called love! 

Strolling in these crowded streets

Wandering through memories

The tune of love within

Subdues all those without

Angst filled void around

Unmindful pain – baffling and novel

See that familiar face around – no surprise

People are but objects reflecting the mind

Unbeknownst – love struck me

And now I am clearly unsure

What joy, what pain – what more?

They say its fatal – but its poetry obscure.

The emotional dissonance – is that right?

A void that is tediously strong

How do I speak my mind – confess the love

I fear end would win me over, before long.

Gap – the gap – this gap between…

Would cocoon worlds' entirety

The gap between the lips, longer still

If sealed, once sealed – chime unity

I could sing ballads of love

But I am a lifetime shy to be a poet

I speak my plight in vain hope

Of being one – with you, just for a moment

Virtues will be restored

And boons have been bestowed

If the night unfolds with you beside me,

- My man of gold!

Photo Blog Series 4

Roads turn bringing hope
To fall or to cope?
Coping is in mind for now
Falling is but to find out how!

 

Unfolding paper, mystery what it reads...
To seek it, is it curiosity or greed?
Unfolding reveals neither..
Only the anticipation is freed!

Guilty - his eyes made me.

Foodie though I am, figuring out what and where to have lunch while at work is something I despise. I wish I could skip lunch everyday, but for this hunger.

Hunger – a curse it is.

I would much rather eat out with friends without a worry for time, or concern about getting back to work. But it becomes an expensive affair, both in terms of availability of friends and money at a given point in time.

One such rather odd afternoon when my usual lunch place was shut, I had to rummage around to see where else to go. It so happened that there two other workmates with me then, unlikely but possible. So the three of us decided to eat Chinese that afternoon – there weren’t very many options around work, anyway.

It was the last working day before an 8-day compulsory vacation the office had given all its employees – a celebratory mood in the air already. I was extremely sleepy and hungry and cranky – yes the whole package! I was practically pushing the minute with all my strength. So what must have been few minutes seemed an eon to me before the food arrived. With the kind of hunger that vanquished me, I stuffed my face as quickly as I could. Secretly wishing time would pass quickly for evening to happen and vacation to begin.

After all the banter, which I hardly participated in, was over and we decided to leave. I noticed there was a good portion of food left in the bowl despite having eaten quite well. None of us could ingest a morsel more lest we wanted to burst!

Just moments ago a single bite would have driven me to a rapture but now that bowl of food made me nauseous – I go back to the curse called hunger!

Weighing how I felt before food, I decided to pack it hoping I could give it to someone.

I must at this point admit how awkward I felt carrying that bag. If I were going home I would have carried it with me. But now, how do I decide whom to give it to? There weren’t anyone nearby seeking alms, which would have been ideal. I felt extremely conscious at this point bordering nervousness. Scanning everyone walking past me, wondering if they would take it!

Very hesitantly I approached a couple of security guards. My feet forced me not to, but I forced myself – it was a tough reluctant walk I give you that! While my mind was running rehearsals on how to approach them with food, I had appeared in front of them already. I froze. Gulped that awkwardness and asked them if they wished to eat some food and said, it was still hot.

What happened on the 24^th of December is haunting me even this moment. As if I wasn’t paranoid about not belittling anyone / look down upon the person who I approach – I was shook up right by this man.

Of the two, one extended his hand to take it while the other, who was seated in a chair – refused. Just refused.

His eyes pierced me very existentially and I walked back still staring at his eyes until I turned away realizing I was creating a scene. What shook me the most was the calm demeanor with which he raised his hand and said, “no madam”. He didn’t feel angry, irritated, upset, belittled – nothing.

I want to go talk to this man again. I feel I have some unexpressed 'wordless' exchanges to catch up with.

Photo blog series 3

Bounded by the worldly verity
I look up to you with woe
You comfort me at times
When friends have turned foe

My love affair with you
Isn't like the rest
Cos a night with you
Puts all else to test

Your love is pensive
Unpretentious and rich
Takes me to paradise
No questions, no hitch

And when I lose myself
You lure me again
To a dose too many
With that ignorance you feign.

I wake up in relic
In awe and in lust
I know not this world, but you
In alcohol I trust!!

Photo blog series 2

Image: magnifico from Mumbai

स्पष्ट, आनंद सा तू

झाँक रहे हो खिड़की से 

छू ना पाऊँ मैं तुझे 

पर दिल नही है बस मे

धीमी गती से तेरा उदय 

उत्साह दिल मे भरपूर 

ये रंग, ये रोशनी 

करे मन की उदासी दूर

प्यार है तेरी इस शैली से 

जवाब मे बस एक इशारा चाहूँ 

श्याम है समीप - तेरे बिना

भला है मैं ना रहूँ..

Photo blog series 1

सुनहरे दिन, बेफिक्र श्याम
खामोश रात
चंचल सी मैं
कहा  छोड़ आ गई 

तंदरुस्त बढ़न, युवा अंदाज़
मानसिक बयान
निडर सी मैं
कहाँ छोड़ आ गई

मैत्रिक हर्ष, असीमित हँसी
गुप्त वादे
लौकिक सी मैं
कहाँ छोड़ आ गई

अंतरंग इच्छा, अकथ उत्साह
कामुक बदन
यौन सी मैं
कहाँ छोड़ आ गई

चाहूँ बस एक और मौका
जीने इन लम्हों को
अब अंत है निकट - ज़िन्दगी
मैं तुमको कहाँ छोड़ आ गई 
कहाँ छोड़ आ गई

My Beautiful 'Banyan' Experience

When I made up my mind to visit Banyan this past Saturday I was excited and at the same time felt  a pang of responsibility throbbing in my mind. It must not be a one-off frivolous act of sporadic kindness, I told myself. I wanted it to have some meaning, meaning so profound that only I could comprehend it.

With an amazing companion, a friend, a fantastic human – S, I travelled to Banyan! We looked around a little bit but could not find the venue right away. Google maps then came to rescue – NOT; it guided us to the destination traversing myriad streets, almost circular in nature and indicated we have arrived. It was a cinematic moment, when we went past a few buildings and the voice said “your destination has arrived,” we only saw an empty land! Google has never failed to amaze me with its extraneous instructions. That’s when I got skittish and he my friend was reciprocating my restiveness.

Then we resorted to the hackneyed way, atleast according to S, of asking around but there was hardly anyone in the vicinity. We went to a petty shop and asked the shopkeeper where “Banyan” was. He looked clueless and so we said “it’s a home”. To my surprise, the taciturn shopkeeper asked us “Are you asking about the mental home?” He then guided us to the place which wasn’t actually very far from there!

When we reached, it was drizzling and the azure sky had turned grey and overcast! I instantly suddenly had a lump in my throat at with the thought of what is was going to ensue. We were greeted by a friendly receptionist and were asked to wait at the reception so that she could try and give the volunteering coordinator a call. We were waiting and many inmates were walking about, lying down and just sitting in the same room. There was an air of quiet resignation in the room.

Some of them were lost and aloof and some were voluble. I interacted with about 8 of them and each and everyone was quite pleased to have had a listener for themselves. I think it is these deeds, though they seem trivial, are the foundation of giving them a better life, a fulfilled life.

Of the lot, three refuse to get out of my mind. There was this petite, elderly inmate who walked into the reception area clapping and singing some unfamiliar songs, possibly religious. She walked up to me and extended her hand that held a peeled orange, I only smiled at her and she carried on asking everyone else around me. She sat in front of me, still singing some songs. She asked me what my name was in Hindi and the only thought that immediately struck me was that she probably does not have company to have a friendly dialog in that language so I decided to jump at the opportunity. She told me about how Allah sings in her ears and she just mouths them, how her many siblings have settled in various parts of the country and so on. She seemed like a very compassionate person, offering people her oranges and making them sit next to her.

Then the extremely cheerful and vociferous friend arrived. She had a very pronounced folk accent. She was constantly telling me that I was beautiful and that I was the only who was more beautiful than herself in all of banyan. She was quite upfront in expressing her dislike towards my short hair and my ‘boyish’ appearance. She offered to take me to her house once she was okay, and promised to cook chicken as a treat. My hand was strongly holding hers and I was ecstatic when she offered to sing a whole Tamil song (Maya Machindra from the movie Indian) for us. I was moved, quivering mentally at how life can be quite unfortunate sometimes. She insisted that I should wear sarees and flowers and jewellery and what not! I readily agreed and we parted with a my promise to visit again. She went away to enthuse more people!

While all this was happening, there was a face peering at me from outside the window. She constantly kept shifting positions to favour her view. I noticed her intent eyes quite clearly. I did not try to gesture to her as she was slightly afar and may not be able to see me. There were more people at the reception by then. Some hugging and holding me and asking about me, showering all the love that seemed suppressed. This lady then walked up close to me. I looked at her and smiled. She hid her face.. I extended my hand; she nodded gesturing a ‘NO’. I pointed the seat and gestured her to sit beside me – she nodded negative again. By then I had to attend a phone call and talk to the receptionist and I could not spot her again. After a while there she stood again, by the window with those intent eyes.

I will remember to talk to her next time.

S and I then had some basic chores of colour coding the donated clothes and segregate them logically into wearable sets. After we were done we felt quite contented. We took off back home with an unsaid promise that we will be back here again soon.

They need more listeners, those lovely people. And they need friends. If you have the time and even if you have not, you should experience this to know what unconditional love really means. Give them your time as that’s all they need! And at the end of it, I promise that you will come out having gained a lot more than what you actually gave.

My road to self-discovery

"We start out in highchairs, we end up in wheel chairs, and somewhere between the two, we all have to figure out where our happiness lies and then start marching in that direction.” – Prof. Dan Gilbert

For all practical purposes, figuring out where our happiness lies is the key. It isn’t an easy find. Many lives are lost seeking this grail; some do not realize there is life between two chairs, and some just give up.

To think that I may run out of time, and get lost in this mercurial happiness race drives me to cherish every other day as a novelty and strive towards being a human – a happy human.

I have had an intractable childhood, filled with flaws. Just like most of the children from this country, I had no ambition, no clarity of thought and just about no source to figuring out where my happiness lied. And just like that 20 years of my life went by and am engulfed by a sudden surge of inordinate misery. I refuse to look back at my failure; I refuse to learn from it and move on; I refuse to believe that it isn’t the end. I refused…

Another couple of years bid my austere life goodbye while I vainly tried to recant my mistakes. Friends were not bidding much hope as my egalitarian harangue drained their energy. They would rather be ignorant of time that’s running out and seek solace in televisions and pop culture’s esoteric prolixity. A perfect testament to the all-pervasive claustrophobia this plutocratic society bestows upon us unfortunate.

So I run away as far as I can from this cynical, maligning, pseudo robotic society, in search of one that is meaningful, unassuming and giving. Giving – I might have just struck my gold there. And as a friend so rightly said, “you can do whatever you want in life, engage in any form of learning; but sooner or later, you have to drop your anchor when you have identified what you are good at”! He could not have said it better albeit in a career perspective but it is just as pertinent for life. What is it about giving that I feel so strongly about? Why does it seem to me that the self-inflicted human divides cause more hurt than happiness? Why do I feel responsible for leaving behind a world worthwhile for the next generation? The deeper I ponder about it, the simplified my life became.

I moved on, well, trying to, from the autocratic, self-obsessed rat race of a life to one that leaves behind a better tomorrow. A life or life’s deeds that significantly contributes to the wellbeing of the under privileged (economical, physical, mental, racial, gender, caste / class), who for no fault of theirs live a life of solitude and oppression. So in this pursuit for happiness, I have involved myself in activities, which for a long time, I used to shun from mentioning. Not anymore. I now strongly believe that compassion begets compassion.

It started out with community service that was attached to academia. Teaching kids to sing and dance, explaining various concept of science - never ceased to amaze me.

Visiting children at the cancer research institute, celebrating ‘happiness day’, play, laugh, and be merry.

Working with the British Red Cross is worth mentioning. Especially during the latest tsunami, every single penny that went into the kitty was valuable. There is no joy better, than to see that my efforts could make an individual’s life slightly better.

 

‘Epilepsy connections’ in the UK is so very dear to me. I have worked with people across age group and diversity who suffer from some form of epilepsy and in the process, befriended some lovely bunch of people. A friend with epilepsy said he’d miss me when I moved back to India – I am happy alright!

Through theatre, making people aware of issues such as gender bias, sexual assault, atrocities in the name of caste and many such divide, is now my dream. I shall not stop. 

 

Recently started visiting Banyan to interact with the inmates, and I carry with me fond memories to be treasured for life. 

 

Through Nirmukta, voicing for videos is a ‘dream come true’!

Just being aware of the privilege, questioning biased behavior, bringing to fore the dark side to using ableist / sexist remarks at workplace / social gathering. 

One might think what difference it makes that I choose to or don’t engage in these activities! One might speculate if this can bring about any change at all? One might conclude I am wasting my time.

The beauty of giving is not sacrifice; the beauty of giving is profusion and once we identify it as a collective, there is enough for everybody to coexist in harmony with no need for prejudice! Utopic? Hardly!