Sunday, February 7, 2016

I am tired

…of this pointlessly perpetual life.

of the cruelties that happen around me and how I am stripped of all powers and made too weak to do anything about it. I am tired when am being reminded that I don't deserve to be loved unless conditions apply. I am tired that love has become a thing of past!

Just so tired of being shut up and made a joke because in my misery lies your happiness aplenty.  Of the innocents being deprived of their lives because you thought their existence in this enormous universe causes your little finger some hurt. I am tired of the banalities that get shoved down my throat on a minute - by - minute basis, in television, cinema, politics, business meetings, relationships, society meetings, doctor's appointment and even during my dreams!

I am tired of being told that I am not good enough to do a job because your self confidence feeds on my insecurity - that you rather crush the last morsel of energy out of me than join me. That for whatever reasons, you'd rather a man do it than let me do it, and that I should be feeling fortunate that I was 'tried out' in the first place. I am tired of your shallow pathetic approach to life. It is helping nobody.

Tired that there are so many things about this world that bother me that I can't even keep track of all of them.

In the end, in our long pointless lives, all we want is to be a better human being. Someone who we won't regret when we look back, at the time of death. That is, if we manage to survive the differences, disparities and oppression and other irrational and unreasonable prejudices.

Am sorry for pointing out what I thought might be a food for reason, but in the process am being subject to the very hate I don't want to associated with.

Am sorry. I can't deal with all the hate that is in this world. It is choking me and pushing me to darkest corners of my mind. Am sorry, I thought I could point out what I thought might be a problem. Am tired of shouting out so loud to try and explain things to those who wouldn't even care to lend a ear. I can't deal with the hate.

So I want to end this hate marathon. I don't want to fight, nor do I want to tell anything to anyone anymore. Am just very tired. That's it!

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

A Random (and most unexpected) Act of Kindness

I have recently moved to a new apartment. I am obviously very anxious and wary because it is not easy to deal with new people sometimes, especially when all they want to know are exactly the things you wish to keep private!

Work keeps me away from home and at times I have to get back quite late. This is a nice gated community and there are two watchmen who take turns for day and night shift. They are actually genuinely the non judgemental, *non-rolling-the-eyes-at-a-late-comer*, *non-looking-away-while-you-are-talking-to-them* - sort of people.

When I walk in late, if I bump into the watchman, I wish him goodnight and keep on walking without really worrying if he is responding or not.

The other day, I wanted to ask him if he uses a two wheeler so I can give away my helmet that I am not intending to use anymore. We got talking and he asked what I did for a living! *anxiety creeps in*.

I told him something akin to making videos for companies, for children and …he interrupts me and asks if I do social service. And so I said, yes in a way! He asked, do I do it for orphans and economically under privileged people - and I said, yes preferably but it is for everybody really! The only effort is to make it in vernacular language so the reach is more, I said.

The man is visibly smiling now and he said, "Thank you madam!" and spoke for a brief period about how it is important to take up 'empowering children' as a crucial task and more so without expecting any returns. I suddenly felt unworthy of his comments as I was barely scratching the surface while there are people who are moving mountains in that domain. So I stood there and heard him speak to me in that calm chilly night with just our voices in the horizon devoid of any hold ups, prejudice or judgements.

He shyly mentioned that he is a poet and he enjoys writing, a lot. Said he has written a lot of poems which I asked to read sometimes. He reluctantly put his hand forward to shake mine but didn't and I rushed to shake his and we parted thus.

Today, he runs up to me and hands me a poetry that he has written exclusively for me - ABOUT me. I just thanked him profusely, rather mechanically without realising what an astonishing thing I have been made a recipient of.

Here's the poem with a loose translation of it! It is moments like these that I forget all the horrific things that otherwise happen during the day while I, a woman, am out dealing with men of all kinds in public space.

Not a big fan of the religious / godly undertone but it is just as overwhelming and inspiring that I want to do more such work and earn this high praise! Thank you Azhagu Nagar Iniyabala - you beautiful person!

Dear goddess Vaishnavi, long live and flourish
Service to humanity, is service to god and your service is of a great importance. You are god's incarnation of woman - praise be to thee

May you have an amazing life where you seek smiles.
In this young age, as you fly about like a bird, you share what you gather
Praise be to that magnanimous heart of yours

Seated in a white lotus, performing penance to ensure there are no poor people or orphans.
That you offer boons by saying that the world that has given lives to all living things, is our home - praise be to thee

At the goddess Vaishnavi's temple,
may there be service, wealth, applause, people
chariots celebrations jubilation, may people revel in joy
Praise be to thee

If we pray to her every day
may there be good lives for all
may the town, city and the whole wide world
sing praise to vaishnavi - praise be to thee


Thursday, July 23, 2015

Photo Blog Series 33

1ms.net

Chaotic and hectic
To deal with people around me
Can’t cope with this frenzy
Perhaps in solitude I’ll be free

They talk, they deduce
It isn’t helping cos it’s just a ruse
So clouded by the spree
In solitude alone, I can see

I want to talk, and sing too
Not much, just a word or two
Don’t need an audience please
Talking in solitude, that’s me

Don’t push me to the rim
With thoughts just so grim
Don’t barge in my space
In solitude I want to be

When the world turns to be
A freer, just calmer space
I want to step out and feel
What pain solitude has been

And when I’ve made it, alive
Out of my solipsistic life
I want to turn into a new leaf
Embrace a new me, no pain nor grief!

(http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1271678/solipsism/)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Photo Blog Series 32

google images

She felt joyous
Watching herself on screen

Eyes fixed, mind engrossed
In rapt attention she smiled!

The TV stopped abruptly

Her hands held a fist
Angry, she looked around

But nobody but her remained

When the TV went on a static
Her hands loosened up

Gently she stood up, eyes blurry
With crutches, went to her room

(http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1188054/crutches/)

Photo Blog Series 31

You, photo sharing
pop-up rhymester!
a one-day glory
for a full-time jester?

is that all you’ve got?

exulting in adulation
of ‘up thumb’ display
painstaking toil
for a chirpy convey

much bother for naught

go away from that evil
a rectangular cage
a duality so curbing
too daunting to assuage

surely, not asking a lot!

banter a bit, out of the cage
break her reckless grind
a cursed double-life
no cage to hide behind!
  
it wasn’t what she thought!

mother’s day isn’t just a day
it is your lifetime, borrowed
moment by moment
nourished and hallowed


a vicarious life – don’t let it rot!

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Photo Blog Series 30

google images
walk by the flowering plant
sing them a sweet song
talk to them about future
and the need to be strong

they may bloom or wither
you must keep walking on
should they wither then
do not be holding on

there is only one way
they say, and it is ahead
too many curses all around
either to kill or to behead

no need for art hereon
its gonna be unheard of
love is for yesterday
it is the reign of hatred now

don't express, its fatal
it will turn around on you
don't make noise, shhh!!
or flowers will die too

art isn't for us
everything is a lie
to live in these sick times
might as well die!

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

PHOTO BLOG SERIES 29


and one day when you have only but love to give
i hope that you find a way to give her your all.
for i know too well how miserable it feels to live
when its stored in boxes of agony & an imaginary phone call