Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Talk to me, I don’t bite!

Trust me, I really don’t! Even if I hate you, the farthest I’d go is probably not respond but I DO NOT and I mean, I DO NOT Ever BITE!

For those of you hoping to give my blog a try for the first time, thanks, let me set the expectations right as far as this post is concerned. This is not a feminist harangue where I pour out my anguish over the ubiquitous ‘quasi self-proclaimed intellectual’ - idiotic system that’s victimized me. This is a record of all that I wished I had as a child, as an adult and wish to have as I age. This is my observation of how life has been, is and will be for a good-looking young girl who is quite smart and intrepid, someone who has managed to achieve recognition surpassing clichés and chugging on to upkeep such a standing.

Bubble reputation:

Curiously, in my long pointless life I have had the delight of making some extraordinary acquaintances. The conversations I’ve had with them and moments of profound silences has moved me so much that it gives me a distant faith in humanity.

I on the other hand, would like to think; I have made some lasting impression on people – good AND bad. Aye ok, mostly bad. My reputation in the ‘making impression’ department isn’t quite sophisticated. It lasts as long as a bubble – thankfully not in the canon’s mouth.

Never have I made a positive – LASTING impression because I seem to come across exactly as someone who you don’t want to see / know. Even if the initial conversation makes an impression, it does not last longer and the reasons for it are many. The comments I’ve had when I have tried to get through to somebody by the use of my keenness / knowledge are that; I am trying too hard, I never let anyone else speak, I am so bossy, I am pretty so I wont stop showing off, I am such a flop.

I have reluctantly stopped trying for I had to choose between leaving an impression and creating havoc.

I am good at something, I just happen to be good looking too.

I learn very quickly that I surprise myself sometimes. I prefer perfecting things and I am pretty personal about things I know I am capable of, unless situation warrants such an expertise. It pains me when my skill is attributed to my looks that I have gone to great lengths in proving this world wrong. I feel so cheated of my standpoint in this world that it is excruciatingly humiliating.
Why is it so easy for people to say; 
“Oh, I am sure you’re the boss’s favorite, he always takes your opinion!” or 
“So what is it this time you’re going to show off with? A new book you read or a movie?” or 
“so how many boy friends do you have, now that you are the new girl in the office?” or 
classic; just walk out on me!

Intimidating or merely stating?

Most of the interviews I have attended have had mixed responses.  I do not let it bother me much until I had access to some information that infuriated the last cell in my body!
One guy who interviewed me didn’t want to select me because apparently I intimidated him! Are you for real?
I was merely stating that I am capable of doing the job, that’s what you do in the interview, showcase / show off what you’re good at. I cannot begin to tell you how I desperately try and strike a balance between modesty and conviction. I cringe when I am put in a spot with something I am good at. It’s the same for situations when I have to tell the world I am good at something; I’d have my own time in getting prepped up for it and here’s how I do it; I squirm, quail, cry, choose to not do it and calculate the repercussions and reluctantly take it up in the hope of concealing most of them.
So if I intimidate you, I am not sorry! You probably need to develop some spine.

It’s cool to be my friend, but being my friend to be cool?

Ever been the popular girl who hits it off with everyone with the use of her wits and ‘hey, I make a good friend’ attitude? I have! ALWAYS!
Ok before I lead you to believe that I am someone who’s got numerous friends, I’ll stop to tell you I am not! I have no friends. Very few but GOOD friends!

Do they think its cool to be my friend? Hell yes! Do they hang around with me so they can be cool? Nope!

Most of my friends barely talk to me and we have this astonishing propensity of picking up from where we left the last time we spoke albeit our memory would fail us. We simply end up feeling SO PLEASED at the end of such a conversation and go on without talking to each other for another long period. We are fine with it. Now THAT is cool.

Imagine being trailed around just to have the benefits (whatever they are) of being friends with me? I am not so shallow. And my express exchange about how I do not want them shadowing me pisses them off, naturally. So what they do to mend their mortified self? Simple! They call me names J and make it very public so others can know too. How altruistic of them!

I am OK to not belong, stop making a big deal out of it.

You know, I do not understand! I just don’t get how not wanting to belong is debauched!!!
I do not want to belong and that’s an impeccably thought out choice so please let me be the judge. When I was in school, girls in my class thought I had really short hair and I only talk to boys so they would refuse talking to me and inducting me into the girl groups. I was fine with it because the things they discussed BORED me. Sorry girls, you really were very boring. Now you may wonder that’s just me in rejection and talked to boys because I was sad girls wouldn’t take me onboard.
No actually, I spoke to boys because they were always ‘in the moment’ unprejudiced and understood sports. That’s all I needed to pastime. Sports! Now why I had short hair is just something to have blame the sun for.

At workplace I am looked at as .. well … you know… oh come on! Let it be! WEIRD what else? It’s fascinating how, without uttering a word I am perceived as many things that are just simply not ‘me’! I am lost, looking for my own identity. And I sit here speculating why I took on this purposeless self-journey!

Yes I am weird, but you’re sick.
But all is not lost as I manage to congregate myself when I am on the brink of losing sanity.  And I point the finger back to you for trapping me and making me feel bereft of a normal life!

I may be weird, but you are sick to make such unsubstantiated judgments about me! You need treatment!

If it is obvious, why overstate it to make a conversation?

Haha this is the best part! Ever been in a group where some people get so colossally insecure about brief pauses during a chat and fill it up with absolute gobbledygook?

My life is filled with such individuals. And they are so unbelievably exasperating! And this is not just in an office setup but life in general.

I think savoring silences is an art, a profound sense of gratification. (Right ok call me weird just this once.) But truly, the best part of a good conversation is being able to enjoy the pauses, as opposed to chewing someone’s ears off with aimless and hollow words!

I'd rather appreciate the ones for not saying that extra word just to keep company than the ones tiring me with the obviousness.

So there goes my observation about life, people and challenges.i am pretty sure this is not an exhaustive list considering we live in a crazy world, I end this in the hope that the list does not grow like an exponential function.


Sachi Mohanty said...

Everyone probably goes through unique sets of experiences in life.

Their outlook in turn is uniquely formed based on those experiences.

I find people's behavior baffling to observe from my vantage point.

I have observed young females in my family transitioning -- quite effortlessly -- from being college students pursuing some lame degree to now being contented housewives.

Their purpose and pattern of life completely baffles me. They might live in far flung corners of India -- from Odisha to Mumbai to Delhi and Chennai -- and yet the patterns are staggeringly NOT unique.

May be they are lulled into a feeling that they are right as they observe so MANY around them who lead similar lives.

So they continue to go through the same routines as everyone else -- a dreary litany of watching infants grow into school-going kids, visiting the village when some random old hack decides to die AT LAST, or some relation gets married or some such occasion.

I guess it keeps them BUSY -- that's the most important thing -- and so they never have time to think.

But it staggers me to think that in this day and age of pervasive news -- these ladies who are 'ON PAPER' literate [though in my estimate they are QUITE illiterate -- one can keep oneself aloof entirely from being influenced by the WINDS of change -- which is more like a hurricane really.

Do they not hear of Kalpana Chawla or Sunita Williams? Do they not hear of what Amelia Earhart was doing nearly a CENTURY ago?

May be I will try to divide the peoples of India into categories in a longer blog post of mine later ...

Saranya Senguttuvan said...

"This is not a feminist harangue where I pour out my anguish over the ubiquitous ‘quasi self-proclaimed intellectual’ - idiotic system that’s victimized me" - Love it!

Bubble Reputation and 'being my friend to be cool - not cool'

A honest outlook.

Saranya Senguttuvan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.