I am tired

…of this pointlessly perpetual life.

of the cruelties that happen around me and how I am stripped of all powers and made too weak to do anything about it. I am tired when am being reminded that I don't deserve to be loved unless conditions apply. I am tired that love has become a thing of past!

Just so tired of being shut up and made a joke because in my misery lies your happiness aplenty.  Of the innocents being deprived of their lives because you thought their existence in this enormous universe causes your little finger some hurt. I am tired of the banalities that get shoved down my throat on a minute - by - minute basis, in television, cinema, politics, business meetings, relationships, society meetings, doctor's appointment and even during my dreams!

I am tired of being told that I am not good enough to do a job because your self confidence feeds on my insecurity - that you rather crush the last morsel of energy out of me than join me. That for whatever reasons, you'd rather a man do it than let me do it, and that I should be feeling fortunate that I was 'tried out' in the first place. I am tired of your shallow pathetic approach to life. It is helping nobody.

Tired that there are so many things about this world that bother me that I can't even keep track of all of them.

In the end, in our long pointless lives, all we want is to be a better human being. Someone who we won't regret when we look back, at the time of death. That is, if we manage to survive the differences, disparities and oppression and other irrational and unreasonable prejudices.

Am sorry for pointing out what I thought might be a food for reason, but in the process am being subject to the very hate I don't want to associated with.

Am sorry. I can't deal with all the hate that is in this world. It is choking me and pushing me to darkest corners of my mind. Am sorry, I thought I could point out what I thought might be a problem. Am tired of shouting out so loud to try and explain things to those who wouldn't even care to lend a ear. I can't deal with the hate.

So I want to end this hate marathon. I don't want to fight, nor do I want to tell anything to anyone anymore. Am just very tired. That's it!

A Random (and most unexpected) Act of Kindness

I have recently moved to a new apartment. I am obviously very anxious and wary because it is not easy to deal with new people sometimes, especially when all they want to know are exactly the things you wish to keep private!

Work keeps me away from home and at times I have to get back quite late. This is a nice gated community and there are two watchmen who take turns for day and night shift. They are actually genuinely the non judgemental, *non-rolling-the-eyes-at-a-late-comer*, *non-looking-away-while-you-are-talking-to-them* - sort of people.

When I walk in late, if I bump into the watchman, I wish him goodnight and keep on walking without really worrying if he is responding or not.

The other day, I wanted to ask him if he uses a two wheeler so I can give away my helmet that I am not intending to use anymore. We got talking and he asked what I did for a living! *anxiety creeps in*.

I told him something akin to making videos for companies, for children and …he interrupts me and asks if I do social service. And so I said, yes in a way! He asked, do I do it for orphans and economically under privileged people - and I said, yes preferably but it is for everybody really! The only effort is to make it in vernacular language so the reach is more, I said.

The man is visibly smiling now and he said, "Thank you madam!" and spoke for a brief period about how it is important to take up 'empowering children' as a crucial task and more so without expecting any returns. I suddenly felt unworthy of his comments as I was barely scratching the surface while there are people who are moving mountains in that domain. So I stood there and heard him speak to me in that calm chilly night with just our voices in the horizon devoid of any hold ups, prejudice or judgements.

He shyly mentioned that he is a poet and he enjoys writing, a lot. Said he has written a lot of poems which I asked to read sometimes. He reluctantly put his hand forward to shake mine but didn't and I rushed to shake his and we parted thus.

Today, he runs up to me and hands me a poetry that he has written exclusively for me - ABOUT me. I just thanked him profusely, rather mechanically without realising what an astonishing thing I have been made a recipient of.

Here's the poem with a loose translation of it! It is moments like these that I forget all the horrific things that otherwise happen during the day while I, a woman, am out dealing with men of all kinds in public space.

Not a big fan of the religious / godly undertone but it is just as overwhelming and inspiring that I want to do more such work and earn this high praise! Thank you Azhagu Nagar Iniyabala - you beautiful person!

Dear goddess Vaishnavi, long live and flourish
Service to humanity, is service to god and your service is of a great importance. You are god's incarnation of woman - praise be to thee

May you have an amazing life where you seek smiles.
In this young age, as you fly about like a bird, you share what you gather
Praise be to that magnanimous heart of yours

Seated in a white lotus, performing penance to ensure there are no poor people or orphans.
That you offer boons by saying that the world that has given lives to all living things, is our home - praise be to thee

At the goddess Vaishnavi's temple,
may there be service, wealth, applause, people
chariots celebrations jubilation, may people revel in joy
Praise be to thee

If we pray to her every day
may there be good lives for all
may the town, city and the whole wide world
sing praise to vaishnavi - praise be to thee

Photo Blog Series 33

1ms.net

Chaotic and hectic

To deal with people around me

Can’t cope with this frenzy

Perhaps in solitude I’ll be free

They talk, they deduce

It isn’t helping cos it’s just a ruse

So clouded by the spree

In solitude alone, I can see

I want to talk, and sing too

Not much, just a word or two

Don’t need an audience please

Talking in solitude, that’s me

Don’t push me to the rim

With thoughts just so grim

Don’t barge in my space

In solitude I want to be

When the world turns to be

A freer, just calmer space

I want to step out and feel

What pain solitude has been

And when I’ve made it, alive

Out of my solipsistic life

I want to turn into a new leaf

Embrace a new me, no pain nor grief!

(http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1271678/solipsism/)

Photo Blog Series 32

google images

She felt joyous

Watching herself on screen

Eyes fixed, mind engrossed
In rapt attention she smiled!

The TV stopped abruptly

Her hands held a fist
Angry, she looked around

But nobody but her remained

When the TV went on a static
Her hands loosened up

Gently she stood up, eyes blurry
With crutches, went to her room

(http://hellopoetry.com/poem/1188054/crutches/)

Photo Blog Series 31

You, photo sharing

pop-up rhymester!

a one-day glory

for a full-time jester?

is that all you’ve got?

exulting in adulation

of ‘up thumb’ display

painstaking toil

for a chirpy convey

much bother for naught

go away from that evil

a rectangular cage

a duality so curbing

too daunting to assuage

surely, not asking a lot!

banter a bit, out of the cage

break her reckless grind

a cursed double-life

no cage to hide behind!

  

it wasn’t what she thought!

mother’s day isn’t just a day

it is your lifetime, borrowed

moment by moment

nourished and hallowed

a vicarious life – don’t let it rot!

Photo Blog Series 30

google images

walk by the flowering plant

sing them a sweet song
talk to them about future
and the need to be strong

they may bloom or wither

you must keep walking on
should they wither then
do not be holding on

there is only one way

they say, and it is ahead
too many curses all around
either to kill or to behead

no need for art hereon

its gonna be unheard of
love is for yesterday
it is the reign of hatred now

don't express, its fatal

it will turn around on you
don't make noise, shhh!!
or flowers will die too

art isn't for us

everything is a lie
to live in these sick times
might as well die!

PHOTO BLOG SERIES 29

and one day when you have only but love to give

i hope that you find a way to give her your all.

for i know too well how miserable it feels to live

when its stored in boxes of agony & an imaginary phone call

Photo Blog Series 28

Dreaming of the box

Buried deep under soil

A box of dreams

Where hopes never go spoiled

In your embrace I revel

But it is too good to be true

Without you I shrivel

This conundrum - I give up on you

I must run far away from your gaze

That your thoughts elude me

I am running in a circular maze

No, they won't let me be

Why torture me this way

Sadist that you are - why won't you

My nights are endless and my day

Is spent dreaming to be with you

I stand on top of you and see

Myself inside, lying down in peace

I am curious and I dread this scene

Go away box, go away thoughts. Go away please!

Photo Blog Series 27

Image source: photos.net

When the tides come up, the moon gleams bright

When moon's in veil, tides aren't alright!

Getting to the shore only to retreat,

Over & over for love, get beat!

Photo Blog Series 26

source: google

You go away. A day, a time
Strings of blues morbidly rhyme
I am looking for myself - you!

I try to run, can't help its hurting
Not a way to keep from waiting
There's no joy in me - you!

Photo Blog Series 25

source: google

A spectacle so refreshing

The way his body moves

The lady ought to feel enchanted

The way he holds her & grooves

Could it be a special day that

He had asked her​ to dance

​She ​must snap out of this spell

A surreal and magical trance

But when she​ heard him breathe

Into her​ ears as he held her​ tight

It felt more real than it should

It was heaven – a sullen mind’s delight

Photo Blog Series 24

The Lexington Minuteman representing John Parker

The fourth kiss

She probed him to it

He wasn't up for it

She tried one last time

But no thoughts rhymed

As she whined

He changed his mind

Kissed the rifle

Thrice

And that was the price

But her, he missed

So once more he kissed

She felt it, she felt him

Joy filled to its brim

She loves him to bits

In his arms she merrily fits

The fourth kiss

Photo Blog Series 23

https://www.flickr.com/photos/s-t-r-a-n-g-e/

Gently tiptoeing with a smile

Around my senses, oh for a while

What makes you feel so welcomed

Wandering freely yet, in me bound

Fool that I am I failed to see

I let yourself into me

I could set you free

But should I? My love, my liege

Would you linger on and make my life?

I beseech you

Even if it's a part of you - just a slice

Cos without you it's empty, don't bid adieu

Left alone - me and my mental strife.

Photo Blog Series 22

A star is shining bright tonight

The heavens are decked up in its best

The world envies, friends rejoice

I look up the sky and it seems to hide in shame

For the star is amidst is, illuminating joy

May your year be of realizations, and your dreams just as well

For you deserve all that and more

I am glad I am by your side as you step into another glorious year

a year of dreams and hope

Thank you for being you, for being this beautiful person that you are.

May your smile curb your sorrows at bay

May you live a life that's so meaningful

So I may vicariously dwell in your happiness

One that radiates like the rainbow

A life worth living

Happy birthday Tejas!

Photo Blog Series 21

Your memories behind you've left

My mind body soul handcuffed

How can I go on knowing that

Life of me is with you in debt

In a conundrum of chances

None favoring my wishes

But in your memory I will relish

Those things I live for

And then in your fond reminisce, perish..

Photo Blog Series 20

Photo courtesy: Google

Myriad dreams, rat race of a life

Too little time, but options rife

Few things make it worth the while

All through tough times, bitter & vile

I love you, cos you make life sweeter..

Shy though that I am - less said the better!

Photo Blog Series 19

When I think of you

I think of the shape of clouds

When they spread themselves for me

For us

When we spend endless nights

Drinking our lives in glasses of hope

Of dreams..

I now go back

With just the clouds with me

Spreading itself for me

I see you

I see us

In it

And when I miss you

When a tear rolls down my eye

I look up to the clouds

And say, you own me

You own my life

My world

I share a part of me

If not all of me

With you

Only you

For nobody loves me as you do

And I as you

I love you!

Photo Blog Series 18

Henry Nelson O'Neil, Woman In Love - 1856

Come, sit next to me

Read aloud a story

Of a girl and let she be free

Of grief and of misery

Come, touch my face

With those fingers of grace

Let the story be sung with a gaze

Of this beautiful morning haze

Come, be one with me and you

Know its melancholic not to

Feel you under my skin

Its true

For I think we’re one, never two!

Photo Blog Series 17

The room - now empty without you

Sweet melancholy they say, must be true!

Look by your side when you walk out that door,

A part of me will be found walking too!

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Misery! Oh the misery of a play that's ending.

A reality that goes amiss and emotions descending.

Though the audience know not of what goes on my mind,

I just seek solace in their remarks - mostly condescending!

I wish and hope I pass on the words I am intending.

Oh grief! Take me back into the actor's shoes,

in this reality, pain is impending!