My road to self-discovery

"We start out in highchairs, we end up in wheel chairs, and somewhere between the two, we all have to figure out where our happiness lies and then start marching in that direction.” – Prof. Dan Gilbert

For all practical purposes, figuring out where our happiness lies is the key. It isn’t an easy find. Many lives are lost seeking this grail; some do not realize there is life between two chairs, and some just give up.

To think that I may run out of time, and get lost in this mercurial happiness race drives me to cherish every other day as a novelty and strive towards being a human – a happy human.

I have had an intractable childhood, filled with flaws. Just like most of the children from this country, I had no ambition, no clarity of thought and just about no source to figuring out where my happiness lied. And just like that 20 years of my life went by and am engulfed by a sudden surge of inordinate misery. I refuse to look back at my failure; I refuse to learn from it and move on; I refuse to believe that it isn’t the end. I refused…

Another couple of years bid my austere life goodbye while I vainly tried to recant my mistakes. Friends were not bidding much hope as my egalitarian harangue drained their energy. They would rather be ignorant of time that’s running out and seek solace in televisions and pop culture’s esoteric prolixity. A perfect testament to the all-pervasive claustrophobia this plutocratic society bestows upon us unfortunate.

So I run away as far as I can from this cynical, maligning, pseudo robotic society, in search of one that is meaningful, unassuming and giving. Giving – I might have just struck my gold there. And as a friend so rightly said, “you can do whatever you want in life, engage in any form of learning; but sooner or later, you have to drop your anchor when you have identified what you are good at”! He could not have said it better albeit in a career perspective but it is just as pertinent for life. What is it about giving that I feel so strongly about? Why does it seem to me that the self-inflicted human divides cause more hurt than happiness? Why do I feel responsible for leaving behind a world worthwhile for the next generation? The deeper I ponder about it, the simplified my life became.

I moved on, well, trying to, from the autocratic, self-obsessed rat race of a life to one that leaves behind a better tomorrow. A life or life’s deeds that significantly contributes to the wellbeing of the under privileged (economical, physical, mental, racial, gender, caste / class), who for no fault of theirs live a life of solitude and oppression. So in this pursuit for happiness, I have involved myself in activities, which for a long time, I used to shun from mentioning. Not anymore. I now strongly believe that compassion begets compassion.

It started out with community service that was attached to academia. Teaching kids to sing and dance, explaining various concept of science - never ceased to amaze me.

Visiting children at the cancer research institute, celebrating ‘happiness day’, play, laugh, and be merry.

Working with the British Red Cross is worth mentioning. Especially during the latest tsunami, every single penny that went into the kitty was valuable. There is no joy better, than to see that my efforts could make an individual’s life slightly better.

 

‘Epilepsy connections’ in the UK is so very dear to me. I have worked with people across age group and diversity who suffer from some form of epilepsy and in the process, befriended some lovely bunch of people. A friend with epilepsy said he’d miss me when I moved back to India – I am happy alright!

Through theatre, making people aware of issues such as gender bias, sexual assault, atrocities in the name of caste and many such divide, is now my dream. I shall not stop. 

 

Recently started visiting Banyan to interact with the inmates, and I carry with me fond memories to be treasured for life. 

 

Through Nirmukta, voicing for videos is a ‘dream come true’!

Just being aware of the privilege, questioning biased behavior, bringing to fore the dark side to using ableist / sexist remarks at workplace / social gathering. 

One might think what difference it makes that I choose to or don’t engage in these activities! One might speculate if this can bring about any change at all? One might conclude I am wasting my time.

The beauty of giving is not sacrifice; the beauty of giving is profusion and once we identify it as a collective, there is enough for everybody to coexist in harmony with no need for prejudice! Utopic? Hardly! 

'Voicing' out!

It is glorious that we live in an age where pizzas get delivered before we can say "Antidisestablishmentarianism" and where we can exist in parallel universes as 'sifakas' through quantum tunneling. It isn't as glorious when there is another spectrum in this society that can't tell between the color blue and red; living a life of mediocrity, illiteracy and downright poverty!

Over the last few decades, a lot has happened in both these spectrum; a progress that is so precariously overwhelming and a decline so irrevocably daunting. Obviously, I do not wish to dig deeper on the whys and whereofs and whatabouts, but I do wish to point out that my heart goes to out to the children belonging to the dark side of the spectrum. They are vulnerable, helpless and thoroughly exploited; to an extent that redemption seems almost like a dream.

Living in a world that dismisses every attempt at wanting to bring about a change, revolutionalising the way we think, questioning authority, busting myths et al; I have become numb and unambitious. Thanks to that last straw of perseverance and the fear of turning into a nobody, I have broken the pressure of conformity that this society is cynically trying to shove into my throat.

Okay, I have broken free - now what!?

There is a group of friends who will stick around no matter what - lets not talk about them. Lets talk about the bunch of people who will fear / hesitate talking to you because you don't conform - what if you bite their head off just because you have a difference of opinion and you are expressive about it. They presume you live a solipsistic life devoid of all happiness that these cultural and religious baggage offer! They pity you, sympathise with you - ha!

You start looking for other non conformists - yeah I know, if not anything, one has to conform to non conformity!? So, getting back to doing something about the sad lives we live, I have endeavored to target children in this journey and in the process bumped into the opportunity offered by Nirmukta. I have written about them once before here in my blog. Children, mostly from an economically challenged background, for no fault of theirs, live a life they don't deserve - I feel compelled to do something about it. With the help of Nirmukta, I am trying to reach out to those children in every small way possible. We are making basic concepts of science, understandable and accessible to a lot of children belonging to non-English medium schools / corporation schools by making short videos in Tamil. We are taking a lot of care in structuring it with many local analogies and folklore so it appeals to them. A team of amazing people work on the content, a fantastic person working on making these videos and believe me when I tell you this, I have never been more happier than while "voicing over" for these videos.

I imagine narrating the story of evolution, concept of earthquake, skin color and the constituents of medicine to the young, ambitious, eager and phenomenally bright children and I have had goosebumps at times. I will do all I can to bring about a change, even if it means very simply, voicing over to these short videos.

I have never felt so fulfilled, at the same time, never been more motivated to keep at it.

Quoting Lennon:

You, you may say
I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one
I hope some day you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Here are some of the videos:

Cursed Mind

Lately I’ve been blue

Angry and anxious too

An internal conflict

Overwhelming catharsis

At times I wonder

Is life all that good?

I suspect as I yearn

To rejoice as I should

Mind – you mean thing

Just sent me on a quest

What joy do you seek?

When I fall and bite dust

Curious as I may be

I can’t grasp my life

I try, I try and I try

But failure is rife

Too many things to do

Too little time

This life is a plague

Thanks to this cursed mind

Arvind Gupta: Turning trash into toys for learning

What started as a brief chat during lunch, ended up becoming my weekend joy!

Thanks H, for introducing me to the world of a genius that is Arvind Gupta.

COSMOS part 2

These magical moments don’t happen very often these days.

My brother and I are ardent fans of Carl Sagan and his edifying video series called the COSMOS. I think I can safely say that my brother is more than just a fan of COSMOS, as he has it on his TV, computer, mobile phone - you name it!

It is undeniably a fantastic feeling to hear Carl narrate about the mystery of nature, its enormity, beauty and the infinite joy one receives while pursuing it and yet feel the yearning to want to know more.

Our joy knew no bounds when we heard a sequel of COSMOS narrated by the ingenious Neil Degrasse Tyson is expected to release sometime in 2014. As if the news wasn’t enticing enough, watching this trailer only made the wait painstakingly longer.

During a casual phone conversation my brother and I had  last evening, he said the most amazing thing to me. It is true that growing up, we get carried away with our routines too much to pause, take stock and appreciate small pleasures such as this. But I could not have missed this even on a sleepy conversation.

What he told me made me feel great about myself and made my whole life worthwhile.

Before I quote our conversation, I would like to quote Sagan’s very own pale blue dot – only to emphasize the gravitas and profundity of what ensues. 

From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Consider again that dot. That's here. That's home. That's us.

On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.

The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that in glory and triumph they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner. How frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds.

Our posturing, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity – in all this vastness – there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.

The Earth is the only world known, so far, to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment, the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known.

Me: I can’t wait for COSMOS II to release.

Brother: Yes, it is slated to release sometime 2014.

Me: But it feels like too long a wait. What if something happens to me by that time, what if I die?

Brother: Hmm! Then, you will conform to the cosmos, as your atoms would still be around. And what’s more, the video series will have Tyson talking about YOU!

*Yes, I repeat! This made me feel great about myself and made my whole life worthwhile.*

EUPHORIA

 

NIZHALOVIYAM's photostream

NIZHALOVIYAM's photostream

NIZHALOVIYAM's photostream

NIZHALOVIYAM's photostream

A perfect world, moments of joy

to upkeep the pursuit called life,

to laugh at silly things

let yourself be a child?

This joyous oblivion

about life’s misgivings

we shall wait this out

- A fate so unforgiving

Ominous is how the future seems

in it I am probably not free!

For this moment is promising,

and Euphoric is how I shall be.

  

photo credits to: Sasikumar @ http://www.flickr.com/photos/sasiphosgraphos/

Introduction to Nirmukta

Ultimately, we dream of a world where Reason rules and Humanism prevails !

I am fine, just let me be!

The world is spinning non-stop

People have no time

In my mind there is a block

Crammed with sorrow n pain

I shun away from the thought

But it gets the better of me

How does one fix the spirit?

That’s engulfed by misery

Everyday I wake up in hope

‘Today will be a new day’

I must be kidding myself

For I am yet to see that day

So what if I am strange n unique

I can have friends too

Before you complain n critique

Won’t you check if it’s true?

Should I just stop trying?

Find solace in solitude?

I can’t stop pondering

If I should move on or brood

I keep busy all the time

So I get used to my company

At times I falter and fail

Succumb to the cursed epiphany

So I feel lost, and left behind

That I end up questioning again

Is it my fault I am blind?

That you seek pleasure in my pain?

Don’t laugh at me, it hurts

For I am only blind by sight

But count on me to be the same

Whether you are black or white!

CREED

A moment of reverence, a lifetime of creed

Trapped in the reverie, I refuse to be free!

The elegance you boast

The audacity you possess

is hope to the vanquished,

and an impetus to progress

The startling endurance, the vivid lure

with not a touch of vanity but grace

You stare at me, looking demure

so alluring that I could just embrace.

I refuse to blink, for I am in awe

of your blushing raw sensuality.

That I seek solace in your bosom

serenading ballads of thy beauty.

If words could express what I feel

I may very well be a lover

But from expressing I recede

as I wish to be in love forever

A moment of reverence, a lifetime of creed

Trapped in the reverie, and delighted to be!

Melancholy and Me!

When she sits by the window

pondering over life so intently.

I wonder what she thinks,

looking adrift yet nonchalantly!

Is she thinking about herself?

Or is something bothering her?

Is she looking for an answer?

Or does she fail to infer?

In life there are glitches too many.

To gauge these would be too hard

What could a bewildered mind do;

than reconcile with a life that’s marred?

Lost in a conundrum she gasps!

Split between emotions she sighs!

Beaten by the blues she moans!

Distressed by this outrage she cries!

Dazed by this thought battle

she jumps up in the hope to flee,

But she knows she can’t refute

A life that cries “melancholy and me”

Talk to me, I don’t bite!

Trust me, I really don’t! Even if I hate you, the farthest I’d go is probably not respond but I DO NOT and I mean, I DO NOT Ever BITE!

For those of you hoping to give my blog a try for the first time, thanks, let me set the expectations right as far as this post is concerned. This is not a feminist harangue where I pour out my anguish over the ubiquitous ‘quasi self-proclaimed intellectual’ - idiotic system that’s victimized me. This is a record of all that I wished I had as a child, as an adult and wish to have as I age. This is my observation of how life has been, is and will be for a good-looking young girl who is quite smart and intrepid, someone who has managed to achieve recognition surpassing clichés and chugging on to upkeep such a standing.

Bubble reputation:

Curiously, in my long pointless life I have had the delight of making some extraordinary acquaintances. The conversations I’ve had with them and moments of profound silences has moved me so much that it gives me a distant faith in humanity.

I on the other hand, would like to think; I have made some lasting impression on people – good AND bad. Aye ok, mostly bad. My reputation in the ‘making impression’ department isn’t quite sophisticated. It lasts as long as a bubble – thankfully not in the canon’s mouth.

Never have I made a positive – LASTING impression because I seem to come across exactly as someone who you don’t want to see / know. Even if the initial conversation makes an impression, it does not last longer and the reasons for it are many. The comments I’ve had when I have tried to get through to somebody by the use of my keenness / knowledge are that; I am trying too hard, I never let anyone else speak, I am so bossy, I am pretty so I wont stop showing off, I am such a flop.

I have reluctantly stopped trying for I had to choose between leaving an impression and creating havoc.

I am good at something, I just happen to be good looking too.

I learn very quickly that I surprise myself sometimes. I prefer perfecting things and I am pretty personal about things I know I am capable of, unless situation warrants such an expertise. It pains me when my skill is attributed to my looks that I have gone to great lengths in proving this world wrong. I feel so cheated of my standpoint in this world that it is excruciatingly humiliating.

Why is it so easy for people to say; 

“Oh, I am sure you’re the boss’s favorite, he always takes your opinion!” or 

“So what is it this time you’re going to show off with? A new book you read or a movie?” or 

“so how many boy friends do you have, now that you are the new girl in the office?” or 

classic; just walk out on me!

Intimidating or merely stating?

Most of the interviews I have attended have had mixed responses.  I do not let it bother me much until I had access to some information that infuriated the last cell in my body!

One guy who interviewed me didn’t want to select me because apparently I intimidated him! Are you for real?

I was merely stating that I am capable of doing the job, that’s what you do in the interview, showcase / show off what you’re good at. I cannot begin to tell you how I desperately try and strike a balance between modesty and conviction. I cringe when I am put in a spot with something I am good at. It’s the same for situations when I have to tell the world I am good at something; I’d have my own time in getting prepped up for it and here’s how I do it; I squirm, quail, cry, choose to not do it and calculate the repercussions and reluctantly take it up in the hope of concealing most of them.

So if I intimidate you, I am not sorry! You probably need to develop some spine.

It’s cool to be my friend, but being my friend to be cool?

Ever been the popular girl who hits it off with everyone with the use of her wits and ‘hey, I make a good friend’ attitude? I have! ALWAYS!

Ok before I lead you to believe that I am someone who’s got numerous friends, I’ll stop to tell you I am not! I have no friends. Very few but GOOD friends!

Do they think its cool to be my friend? Hell yes! Do they hang around with me so they can be cool? Nope!

Most of my friends barely talk to me and we have this astonishing propensity of picking up from where we left the last time we spoke albeit our memory would fail us. We simply end up feeling SO PLEASED at the end of such a conversation and go on without talking to each other for another long period. We are fine with it. Now THAT is cool.

Imagine being trailed around just to have the benefits (whatever they are) of being friends with me? I am not so shallow. And my express exchange about how I do not want them shadowing me pisses them off, naturally. So what they do to mend their mortified self? Simple! They call me names J and make it very public so others can know too. How altruistic of them!

I am OK to not belong, stop making a big deal out of it.

You know, I do not understand! I just don’t get how not wanting to belong is debauched!!!

I do not want to belong and that’s an impeccably thought out choice so please let me be the judge. When I was in school, girls in my class thought I had really short hair and I only talk to boys so they would refuse talking to me and inducting me into the girl groups. I was fine with it because the things they discussed BORED me. Sorry girls, you really were very boring. Now you may wonder that’s just me in rejection and talked to boys because I was sad girls wouldn’t take me onboard.

No actually, I spoke to boys because they were always ‘in the moment’ unprejudiced and understood sports. That’s all I needed to pastime. Sports! Now why I had short hair is just something to have blame the sun for.

At workplace I am looked at as .. well … you know… oh come on! Let it be! WEIRD what else? It’s fascinating how, without uttering a word I am perceived as many things that are just simply not ‘me’! I am lost, looking for my own identity. And I sit here speculating why I took on this purposeless self-journey!

Yes I am weird, but you’re sick.

 

But all is not lost as I manage to congregate myself when I am on the brink of losing sanity.  And I point the finger back to you for trapping me and making me feel bereft of a normal life!

I may be weird, but you are sick to make such unsubstantiated judgments about me! You need treatment!

If it is obvious, why overstate it to make a conversation?

Haha this is the best part! Ever been in a group where some people get so colossally insecure about brief pauses during a chat and fill it up with absolute gobbledygook?

My life is filled with such individuals. And they are so unbelievably exasperating! And this is not just in an office setup but life in general.

I think savoring silences is an art, a profound sense of gratification. (Right ok call me weird just this once.) But truly, the best part of a good conversation is being able to enjoy the pauses, as opposed to chewing someone’s ears off with aimless and hollow words!

I'd rather appreciate the ones for not saying that extra word just to keep company than the ones tiring me with the obviousness.

So there goes my observation about life, people and challenges.i am pretty sure this is not an exhaustive list considering we live in a crazy world, I end this in the hope that the list does not grow like an exponential function.

Arjun - the quintessence of companionship

I do wonder every now and then, if my life would be any different, had I known this young man personally.

I do not know Arjun, I have not spoken to him, yet; I have this insatiable wish that I did. Arjun was not just another kid in the block, who went to school, played the guitar and had a bunch of friends. He was all that and more. Arjun – a kid, a brother, a musician, a friend, a son and a great guy!!

Ever felt the after-taste of a tea that lingers hours after drinking a cup? To me, Arjun is that sweet after-taste that has been lingering in my mind years after his passing. He is this distant actuality that persuades me to love and live this life in a certain way – the Arjun way! We can all but hope to be loved and respected by people around us. But this guy, simply by being himself, has managed to win over thousands of friends / fans / followers who confide in him, swear by him and more than anything; BE THERE FOR HIM!

I, in this lifetime, could not reach half as far as he has even with twice as much effort.

A humble but confident young man who taught himself to play the guitar and transcended into becoming this amazing guitarist / musician has stolen many hearts and inspired many more. Be it the Blues of Clapton, or solos of Petrucci; Arjun was thoroughly MAGICAL. In my opinion, Arjun and his band (ESION then, TWKC now and forever) were successful in bringing about a paradigm shift in perspectives of rock music and bands. They were just a group of boys who were extremely talented and irrepressibly music loving.

His passion for art, dance, theatre and paintings conformed to the myriad of interests this talented young man had. On 27^th of March 2009, at 19 Arjun passed away in a road accident leaving behind an enormous vacuum that was profoundly numbing and utterly devastating. I can only imagine what people he knew, he loved would have felt like. A sense of irreplaceable void and perpetual turmoil surmounts my mind when I think about the many instances my path has crossed Arjun’s and how close I was to befriend a magnificent man. Sigh.

After this dreadful incident, what I have learnt from the plethora of news articles, blog posts and facebook feeds is that, there aren’t many people around in this world like Arjun and hence they become very dearer to our hearts. To keep his energy, his compassion and the man himself ALIVE, family and friends joined together to have an annual musical event as a tribute to Arjun and all that he believes in. On the 14^th of July, the stage is set for the fourth consecutive year where we hope to raise funds to sponsor an ambulance that is manned 24x7 and is available for all emergencies on road.

This apart, through the trust in the name of Arjun, we’ve been involved in some earnest charitable activities and scholarships for young students to pursue their dreams in the field of art.

The thought of Arjun, is as close to my heart as the hope of being by his side and seeing the world the way he sees it. Tranquil. I only hope I have done justice in my attempt to express my admiration for my little brother. Walk by his side and experience his companionship albeit intellectually and hope this lasts for eternity.

Arjun, you are to me, what music was for you.

And in Sharad’s own words - To yesterday's companionship and tomorrow's reunion, Salut!