Trust me, I really don’t! Even if I hate you, the farthest
I’d go is probably not respond but I DO NOT and I mean, I DO NOT Ever BITE!
For those of you hoping to give my blog a try for the first
time, thanks, let me set the expectations right as far as this post is
concerned. This is not a feminist harangue where I pour out my anguish over the
ubiquitous ‘quasi self-proclaimed intellectual’ - idiotic system that’s victimized
me. This is a record of all that I wished I had as a child, as an adult and
wish to have as I age. This is my observation of how life has been, is and will
be for a good-looking young girl who is quite smart and intrepid, someone who
has managed to achieve recognition surpassing clichés and chugging on to upkeep
such a standing.
Bubble reputation:
Curiously, in my long pointless life I have had the delight
of making some extraordinary acquaintances. The conversations I’ve had with
them and moments of profound silences has moved me so much that it gives me a
distant faith in humanity.
I on the other hand, would like to think; I have made some
lasting impression on people – good AND bad. Aye ok, mostly bad. My reputation
in the ‘making impression’ department isn’t quite sophisticated. It lasts as
long as a bubble – thankfully not in the canon’s mouth.
Never have I made a positive – LASTING impression because I
seem to come across exactly as someone who you don’t want to see / know. Even
if the initial conversation makes an impression, it does not last longer and
the reasons for it are many. The comments I’ve had when I have tried to get
through to somebody by the use of my keenness / knowledge are that; I am trying
too hard, I never let anyone else speak, I am so bossy, I am pretty so I wont
stop showing off, I am such a flop.
I have reluctantly stopped trying for I had to choose
between leaving an impression and creating havoc.
I am good at something, I just happen to be good looking
too.
I learn very quickly that I surprise myself sometimes. I
prefer perfecting things and I am pretty personal about things I know I am
capable of, unless situation warrants such an expertise. It pains me when my
skill is attributed to my looks that I have gone to great lengths in proving
this world wrong. I feel so cheated of my standpoint in this world that it is
excruciatingly humiliating.
Why is it so easy for people to say;
“Oh, I am sure you’re
the boss’s favorite, he always takes your opinion!” or
“So what is it this time
you’re going to show off with? A new book you read or a movie?” or
“so how many
boy friends do you have, now that you are the new girl in the office?” or
classic; just walk out on me!
Intimidating or merely stating?
Most of the interviews I have attended have had mixed
responses. I do not let it bother me
much until I had access to some information that infuriated the last cell in my
body!
One guy who interviewed me didn’t want to select me because apparently
I intimidated him! Are you for real?
I was merely stating that I am capable of doing the job,
that’s what you do in the interview, showcase / show off what you’re good at. I
cannot begin to tell you how I desperately try and strike a balance between
modesty and conviction. I cringe when I am put in a spot with something I am
good at. It’s the same for situations when I have to tell the world I am good
at something; I’d have my own time in getting prepped up for it and here’s how
I do it; I squirm, quail, cry, choose to not do it and calculate the
repercussions and reluctantly take it up in the hope of concealing most of
them.
So if I intimidate you, I am not sorry! You probably need to
develop some spine.
It’s cool to be my friend, but being my friend to be cool?
Ever been the popular girl who hits it off with everyone
with the use of her wits and ‘hey, I make a good friend’ attitude? I have!
ALWAYS!
Ok before I lead you to believe that I am someone who’s got
numerous friends, I’ll stop to tell you I am not! I have no friends. Very few
but GOOD friends!
Do they think its cool to be my friend? Hell yes! Do they
hang around with me so they can be cool? Nope!
Most of my friends barely talk to me and we have this
astonishing propensity of picking up from where we left the last time we spoke
albeit our memory would fail us. We simply end up feeling SO PLEASED at the end
of such a conversation and go on without talking to each other for another long
period. We are fine with it. Now THAT is cool.
Imagine being trailed around just to have the benefits
(whatever they are) of being friends with me? I am not so shallow. And my
express exchange about how I do not want them shadowing me pisses them off,
naturally. So what they do to mend their mortified self? Simple! They call me
names J
and make it very public so others can know too. How altruistic of them!
I am OK to not belong, stop making a big deal out of it.
You know, I do not understand! I just don’t get how not
wanting to belong is debauched!!!
I do not want to belong and that’s an impeccably thought out
choice so please let me be the judge. When I was in school, girls in my class
thought I had really short hair and I only talk to boys so they would refuse
talking to me and inducting me into the girl groups. I was fine with it because
the things they discussed BORED me. Sorry girls, you really were very boring.
Now you may wonder that’s just me in rejection and talked to boys because I was
sad girls wouldn’t take me onboard.
No actually, I spoke to boys because they were always ‘in
the moment’ unprejudiced and understood sports. That’s all I needed to pastime.
Sports! Now why I had short hair is just something to have blame the sun for.
At workplace I am looked at as .. well … you know… oh come
on! Let it be! WEIRD what else? It’s fascinating how, without uttering a word I
am perceived as many things that are just simply not ‘me’! I am lost, looking
for my own identity. And I sit here speculating why I took on this purposeless
self-journey!
Yes I am weird, but you’re sick.
But all is not lost as I manage to congregate myself when I
am on the brink of losing sanity. And I
point the finger back to you for trapping me and making me feel bereft of a
normal life!
I may be weird, but you are sick to make such
unsubstantiated judgments about me! You need treatment!
If it is obvious, why overstate it to make a conversation?
Haha this is the best part! Ever been in a group where some
people get so colossally insecure about brief pauses during a chat and fill it
up with absolute gobbledygook?
My life is filled with such individuals. And they are so
unbelievably exasperating! And this is not just in an office setup but life in
general.
I think savoring silences is an art, a profound sense of
gratification. (Right ok call me weird just this once.) But truly, the best
part of a good conversation is being able to enjoy the pauses, as opposed to
chewing someone’s ears off with aimless and hollow words!
I'd rather appreciate the ones for not saying that extra word just
to keep company than the ones tiring me with the obviousness.
So there goes my observation about life, people and
challenges.i am pretty sure this is not an exhaustive list considering we live in a crazy world, I end this in the hope that the list does not grow like an exponential function.
